Mafia-ful Boyfriend
by Dictator4Life
Summary: In which Iemitsu sends Tsuna an eroge, and the characters come to life. In order to return them to the game world, he has to seduce all the colorful and dangerously violent characters and beat the game. With the help of the game's sadistic narrator, Tsuna sets out to do just that, and hopefully get through the experience with dignity intact. ALL27
1. Chapter 1

In retrospect, Tsuna really should have realized that something weird was going on.

First of all, his father had sent him a gift. His father _never_ sent him gifts. He thought that the occasional postcard was more than enough. Granted, there was an ulterior motive - he wanted him to beta test a new video game for him for his stupid shady corporate job - but still. Red flag.

He would have refused to touch it just on principle but his mom was so thrilled and kept asking about "the lovely gift your father sent you, Tsu-kun," so he couldn't _not_ play it. Not when Nana was so happy.

Second, he ran into a really creepy old guy with white hair and glasses on his rambling, circuitous way home from school (necessary to avoid bullies) who said to call him "uncle." This, while unsettling, wouldn't be important, but then he _patted his head_ and said, "Enjoy your game." He glided away while Tsuna was still mid-"hiiie". Sure, he hadn't known for sure that he was talking about that specific game, but his intuition suggested otherwise.

Third, it was a _weird_ video game _._ It came in a blank box, there was no title, and he wasn't even sure which system it was for. There was a summary on the back, at least - but that was _in Italian._

In the end, when he was bored over the weekend (a common side effect of having no friends), Tsuna popped it into the disk drive of his computer, and prayed that his father hadn't sent him an eroge.

There was no title scroll, no menu, nothing. He didn't even get a character. There was just a blinking cursor in the center of the screen.

" _Write your full name_ ," an automated voice droned.

Tsuna decided that he wasn't going to humor his father any longer. Sure, he didn't play games much, but he knew enough to realize that this was a shitty game. He reached for the eject button.

" _Do it, Dame-Tsuna_ ," snapped the computer.

Tsuna shrieked, nearly falling out of his seat, and quickly complied. He couldn't handle anyone yelling at him, and the game sounded like it was actually angry at him!

" _Finally_ ," it muttered, still toneless but managing to convey deep disgust nevertheless, " _Idiot_."

Tsuna wanted to wail at the injustice of it all. Of all the games his dad could have sent him, it was the verbally abusive one! What kind of person would buy this product? What kind of person would _come up_ with it? Wait, it's from his dad. Stupid question.

" _Are you satisfied with the life you lead now_?" White text appeared on the screen in time with the words.

Answering that question was easy.

 _No._

" _Do you want to change_?"

He hesitated.

 _yes_

There was no answer, but he got the sense that the game was waiting for more.

 _but i dont know how. im scared if i did i wouldnt be able to_

" _Idiot. With thoughts like that it's no wonder you can't change on your own_."

Tsuna bit his lip, eyes filling with tears. It was stupid to be hurt by a videogame, of all things, but it was so similar to what everyone said to him every day. To what his mother's disappointed eyes told him every day. Dame Tsuna. No good. Useless. Before he knows it, his fingers are spilling across the keyboard

 _i know im sorry i just wish people wouldnt tell me all the time but im trying so hard and that makes it worse because my best isnt good enough and ill always be like this and_

" _Stop_."

The voice, automated though it is, sounded almost sympathetic.

" _It's obvious you're trying_.

" _I'll help you_."

And then the screen started glowing, brighter and brighter until Tsuna had to shield his eyes. Circuitry screamed and electricity crackled and Tsuna wailed fearfully until everything abruptly stopped.

He cracked an eye open, and then threw caution to the winds at the sight that greeted him.

"Hiiiie! My laptop!" Tsuna yelped, reaching out for the sparking, smoking mess and scorching his fingers for his trouble. He sucked them quickly into his mouth and soothed them with his tongue, despairingly eyeing the earthly remains of his poor computer.

"What the _fuck_ is going on?!" someone behind him growled. Tsuna screamed and turned his spinning chair around so fast he got whiplash even as he lost his balance and fell to the floor.

There were six men in his room who _definitely_ weren't there before. They were all staring at him with varying degrees of hostility and confusion, and every single one was pointing a weapon at him oh god.

Tsuna screamed again - really, it's a sign of how often he did this that his mother hadn't come running - and scrambled back until he hit a wall. He felt drool on his wrist and belatedly pulled his hand out of his mouth.

"Herbivore," said the one with the tonfas, ignoring Tsuna's whimper of fear, "Explain."

"Hiiee! I don't - what's happening?" Tsuna cried, and almost got a tonfa to the face. He ducked and rolled away (successfully, surprisingly enough), and bit back another shriek at the brand new hole in his wall.

"This is EXTREMELY strange!" yelled the one with the bandage on his nose. "If you don't tell me where I am, I will have to beat you up to the EXTREME!"

Before Tsuna could wet himself with fear, a friendly hand landed on the loud one's shoulder. "Maa, maa, senpai," its owner said, shooting Tsuna an amiable smile that was a little too sharp around the edges, "I'm sure it won't come to that. Ne?"

"Nope!" Tsuna said, shaking his head furiously. "I'm not sure how you got here but this is Namimori please don't hurt me."

The delinquent in the back clicked his tongue disparagingly. "We're not gonna get anything out of this idiot by being _nice_ , baseball freak." He spit it out like _nice_ was a different four-letter word altogether. He stalked over to where Tsuna was attempting to become one with the wall and hauled him bodily off the ground. "How the fuck did you bring us here?! Who do you work for?!"

Tsuna scrabbled weakly at his wrists, gaping like a fish out of water. He couldn't breathe he was going to be killed by this freaky goth delinquent what would his mother think -

"He can't talk if he can't breathe, Stupidera!" The oxygen must have left his brain quicker than he thought because that was a small child with horns and an afro in a cow suit.

"What did you just call me, you stupid cow?!" Stupidera roared, dropping Tsuna in favor of lunging at the kid. Tsuna gasped for air until the world stopped spinning and then noticed the delinquent throttling the cow child even more violently than he had done to him.

"Hey!" he wheezed. "You'll hurt him!" He grabbed his arm.

Stupidera's fist smashed into his face and Tsuna dropped like a rock, smashing his head against his dresser in the process. The kid followed immediately after, landing much more softly on Tsuna's stomach. The wind went out of him and he spluttered for air, choking on the blood now streaming from his nose.

"You wanna fucking go?!" the delinquent snapped, fanning out what looks like dynamite in his fists. Tsuna contemplated feigning unconsciousness, but the cow kid chose that moment to burst into tears.

"Aryoo ogay?" Tsuna asked nasally, sitting up and attempting to stem the flow of blood from his nostrils. The kid stopped crying, eyes wide, and after a second starts howling at the top of his lungs. Tsuna removed his hands from his nose to pick him up and deposit him on the bed (the subsequent spurt of blood that stained the cow suit hadn't helped the crying situation and Tsuna was perilously close to joining in), then turned to deal with the rest of them.

"Maa, maa, Gokudera, now isn't the time to play with your firecrackers," the one Stupidera called baseball freak is saying.

"They aren't fucking firecrackers, you idiot!" Stupidera (Gokudera?) bristled, brandishing them in his face. Baseball freak just laughed.

A guy with a pineapple hairstyle and a pitchfork laughed creepily, cutting through the commotion. "As amusing as your idiocy is to observe, we should be focusing on how that one -" he nodded at Tsuna, "- brought us here."

"The pineapple head is right to the extreme!" the loudest one roared, ignoring the dangerous way said pineapple head's smile widened even as his eyes narrowed. "Why did you bring us here!"

Tsuna _meep_ ed. "I didn't, I swear! I'd like it _so_ much better if you weren't here pleasegoaway."

"He's lying," Gokudera asserted. From the way no one interrupted him, they all agree. "Tell me which famiglia sent you, now!"

Tsuna mouthed "famiglia" soundlessly, endlessly confused.

"You heard the Hurricane Bomb," Pineapple said silkily. "Who sent you?"

"Ahahaha, are you still playing that mafia game?" baseball freak asked.

"It's _not a_ -"

"As amusing as this, I'd like to move on to telling you why you're here," an entirely new voice cut in. A man in a suit and a fedora was lounging on Tsuna's bedspread, using the struggling cow suited kid as a footrest. Tsuna "hiiiee"ed again, but his unwanted guests' reactions were much more confusing.

"Narrator!" Gokudera exclaimed, and dropped into a bow.

"Yo," baseball freak says cheerfully, but his eyes are hard.

"Stupid Narrator! Lemme up!" the kid shouted.

"Narrator! I am EXTREMELY confused!" the loud one said.

Pineapple laughed creepily again.

The scary one narrowed his eyes.

The commotion gets louder as complaints and questions and accusations were hurled around the room. The man on Tsuna's bed just got more and more annoyed until he snapped his fingers and said, "Pause."

Everyone froze. And stayed frozen.

"Hiee!"

"Anyway," he said breezily, as if he hadn't just violated the laws of the universe, "now that you've all shut up, I'll explain what's going on."


	2. Chapter 2

_I don't even know, fam. These characters get away from me. Or, more accurately, bulldoze me, steal my dog, and insult my fashion choices._

 _Sorry about the wait._

* * *

"You've all been brought here for one purpose," the man said. There was a laden pause. "My own amusement."

Tsuna couldn't stop the startled "Eh?!" that burst from his mouth, only to end in a croak at the positively _atomic_ glare sent his way. He busied himself with trying to swallow his own tongue.

"As I was _saying_ ," (Another glare. Tsuna felt his skeleton melt.) "I brought you out of the game because I felt like it."

He almost interrupted again, but eyes like the darkest pits of hell snapped his way as if he could hear the thought forming in Tsuna's head. He would have hidden in the closet if he were capable of moving.

"Basically, what's going to happen is _this_ guy," he jerked his head at Tsuna, "is going to try to seduce you."

Something deep inside of Tsuna shriveled up and died.

"If he succeeds, you have to go back in the game. When - ah, if he doesn't, you get to stay here, in the real world. I'll set up identities for you and everything. Essentially, you'll become real people."

Tsuna could feel the tension, the _want_ , that thrummed through the room like it was his own.

Scary Fedora turned to focus on him. "If you manage to return them all to the game, you can have exactly one wish granted. You can even wish not to be so useless."

His stomach sank. He suddenly recognized Scary Fedora's voice. He'd spilled his guts to the worst possible person.

"Now, you can all get to know each other, the player can try to seduce you, and you can beat him up. Try not to break him. I don't like it when people mess with my toys." The "Narrator" grinned, all teeth and malice, and vanished. Everyone else started moving again as soon as he did, vacating the room almost as suddenly as they had arrived.

"W-wait! Can someone tell me what's going on -" Tsuna tried. The one with the tonfas, already halfway out the window, paused to give him a poisonous glare. "Hiee, never mind!"

Soon, the only ones left were the kid, who was pulling candy out of his hair and eating it, and the baseball freak, who was giving Tsuna a friendly smile and lounging on his rug. He made no move to explain himself.

"Um," Tsuna tried.

He blinked questioningly. Tsuna cringed.

"Uh, do you know what's going on . . . ?"

The baseball freak tilted his head. "Don't you?"

 _This guy's completely clueless_ , Tsuna realized, with a mounting sense of despair. "No, not really?"

"Didn't you read the instructions?"

"The instructions for what?"

"The game."

"What game?"

"The one we came from."

"Are you saying you came out of the game?!"

"Haha! You're pretty clueless!"

Tsuna wanted to scream. He settled for a strained grin. "A-ah, that's probably because no one explained what happened to . . . bring you out. Plus, I don't speak Italian."

"Why would you need to speak Italian? The game's in Japanese."

 _Godammit, Dad!_ "W-well, like you said, I'm pretty clueless," he chuckled awkwardly. "So, could you maybe explain what's going on?"

The baseball freak rubbed at the back of his neck. "To be completely honest, I'm not so sure either. We shouldn't be able to even be here. I guess the Narrator got bored and decided to bring us out! The rest he already explained."

"O-oh. I get it." _No, I don't! How is any of this even possible?!_ "Thanks."

He looked momentarily startled, but then went back into an easy grin. This one seemed warmer than the others. Less plastic. Tsuna hadn't noticed that his smile was forced until he saw this one, and even then he could tell it still wasn't wholly genuine.

"Um, would you like some tea?"

The baseball freak waved him off. "Nah, I won't be here long. After all, I'm gonna fall in love with you!"

A pause.

"Um, I don't think that's how it works."

The baseball freak blinked again. "Eh? It's not?"

"N-not that I'm an expert, or anything!" Tsuna stuttered, turning red. "It's just . . . you can't decide to love someone. You have to get to know them, first, and even then it's not certain. It depends on how you get along, whether or not you're compatible, and . . . stuff."

"But I've fallen in love thousands of times! It's pretty much my only purpose," he said, laughing again. He almost got the sound right, but it still wasn't anywhere close to real. His eyes abruptly sharpened. "Besides, I think I know more about love than some kid who plays dating games because he can't manage the real thing."

Tsuna flinched. "I suppose you're right. But why not just stay here? Your friends all seemed to want to. Besides, I don't think I could se-seduce anyone even if I wanted to."

"Games are easy," baseball freak said amiably, and offered no further explanation.

"I think I'll go get that tea now," Tsuna said, after a few seconds of silence. Right before he shut the door behind him, he turned around and gave him a tentative smile. "I'm Tsuna, by the way. What can I call you?"

He grinned again, and this one was just fake enough to look real. "Yamamoto. Yamamoto Takeshi."

"It's nice to meet you, Yamamoto-san," Tsuna lied, and fled. He managed to slip on the hardwood of the hallway and faceplanted in the doorway, half in and half out of his room. He groaned, and peeked up over his shoulder to see if he'd been spotted. Yamamoto graced him with a friendly wave.

Tsuna scrambled to his feet with as much dignity he could muster (still not nearly enough), and carefully picked his way down the stairs.

"Mom, do we have any tea left?" he called into the kitchen.

"Ara, Tsu-kun! Just in time!" came Nana's cheerful voice. "We're in the living room!"

We?

Against his better judgement, Tsuna ignored the voice in his head screaming for him to preemptively check himself into some sort of institution to save his mother the trouble and slunk into the kitchen.

His mother smiled amiably at him, engaged in a cozy chat with That Fedora Fucker at their kitchen table. The one Tsuna ate on. She seemed to be enjoying herself. That made one of them.

That Fedora Fucker looked pissed. "Don't call me that, brat," he said lightly, effectively freezing Tsuna's blood in his veins. He was so scary. Even Nana's favorite flowery teacup looked lethal in his hands.

 _He's going to murder me._

"This is Reborn-san!" Nana said brightly. "He's offered to tutor you! Your papa recommended him, as well!"

"Please, Mama," Reborn said suavely, "Call me Reborn."

Nana giggled, pressing a hand to her pink cheek.

 _He's going to murder me and then seduce my mother_ , Tsuna thought numbly. Reborn's broad shoulders twitched.

"Well?" he asked, raising a brow. "Don't you have anything to say?"

"It's . . . it's nice to meet you, Reborn-san," Tsuna said on autopilot.

Reborn smirked. "I'd like to say the same."

Nana, either not noticing or ignoring the insult, started clearing up the table. "Well, I'll let you two get to know each other! Have fun!" she chirped, and vanished, leaving Tsuna to his doom.

"Now, brat," Reborn purred, advancing on him, "I think we have some things to discuss."


	3. Chapter 3

_This is really short. I'm sorry. Other than that, I'm actually pretty proud of this chapter._

 _Warning: Mention of past noncon, as they were all characters in a game and were incapable of consenting. Also, vague reference to pedophilia, which is **not** going to happen **ever.** Even in the game, Lambo turned older before any "romance" happened, and Tsuna is never doing anything sexual or romantic with Lambo. There will only be sibling-type affection/antagonization while Lambo is a kid, and any crush he may or may not develop in his 10-years-older form will be strictly one-sided, because it would be super weird for me otherwise. _

_Okay, that said, enjoy!_

* * *

"So by 'things to discuss,' you probably don't mean that this has all been some sort of horrible mistake and that you're going to go away forever, do you?" Tsuna asked plaintively.

"Why, Dame-Tsuna, don't you find my company satisfactory?" Reborn baited him.

"Of course I don't!" Tsuna screeched. "You came into my house, exploded my laptop, almost got me beat up by scary people, seduced my mother with your horrible lies, and said _very mean things!_ "

Reborn quirked a brow, then smacked his head so hard that it bounced off the counter. " _What_ was that?"

Tsuna, cradling his skull and sobbing softly onto the linoleum of his kitchen floor, said, "It's a pleasure to meet you and I'll do whatever you say please don't hit me again." His nose had started to dribble blood again. If this kept up he was going to lose IQ points, and, going by his grades, he didn't have many to spare.

"That's what I thought you said," Reborn said smugly. He graciously allowed Tsuna to clean the blood from his face and fetch an ice pack from the fridge. (Tsuna fell down the stairs a lot.) They sat at the table once more, Reborn kicking up his feet and silently daring him to do something about it. Tsuna tried not to cry.

"Well, now that you're done stalling," Reborn began, ignoring Tsuna's accusatory mumbling, "We can get to work on making you into a passable honeytrap."

Tsuna wasn't drinking anything, but he still managed to do a spit take. "What?! You're _helping_ me? Also, since when did I agree to seduce anyone?!"

"You're going to," Reborn stated menacingly, "or else."

"Ahahaha, yeah, I just remembered that I've always wanted to prostitute myself for others' amusement."

"Wow, what a pervert. No wonder you were playing an eroge like this one."

" _Hey_! And what do you mean, 'an eroge like this one'?!"

Reborn looked delighted. "Do you really not know?"

"Of course not! This was a gift from my good-for-nothing dad. Do I look like I regularly play eroge?"

Reborn's brow quirked condemningly. "Either way, you are the sort of pervert who plays eroge his father sent him."

"Hey, it was my mom who wanted me to -" Tsuna realized that he was just digging himself in deeper and stopped while he was ahead. "So what is it that you're making me do?"

"I'm going to help you in your attempts to seduce those brats from the game," Reborn explained. "They'd probably kill you, otherwise."

"Ah, th-thank you," Tsuna said, giving him a small smile. He was, nominally, his ally, and he didn't actually _have_ to help him, even if Tsuna emphatically did not want him to.

Reborn's dark eyes widened slightly under the brim of his hat, before he reached across the table and roughly flicked his still-tender nose.

"Ow! What was that for?" Tsuna yelped, glaring tearily over his hands, which were once more protectively cradling his nose.

"You were being irritating," Reborn said, though he seemed oddly absorbed by his distress. "Now go seduce the baseball brat. Say whatever you think he wants to hear and, whatever you do, do _not_ be yourself."

Tsuna scowled, but got up, pouring Yamamoto a cup of tea from the pot his mother had made. He paused by the doorway, working up his courage, and stuck out his tongue at Reborn, who appeared to have fallen asleep, his fedora pulled over his eyes.

"You're a hundred years too early to be trying something like that on me," Reborn said suddenly.

Tsuna let out a startled squeak, and legged it.

* * *

"U-um, Yamamoto-san? I got your tea," Tsuna said, struggling with the impulse to knock on his own door, "Sorry about the wait. The, um, n-narrator was downstairs."

"Yeah, Narrator can be pretty demanding sometimes, haha," Yamamoto said, accepting his tea once Tsuna had ventured into his room. The cow kid was out cold, starfished on his comforter, staining the bedspread with half-eaten candy and drool. Tsuna grimaced. His mother would probably have to take care of that, as he had been banned from going anywhere near the washing machine or the laundry lines outside years ago.

"So is he your boss, or something?" Tsuna asked hesitantly.

Yamamoto abruptly snorted tea up his nose.

After paper towels had been administered and the cow kid, who had been woken by Tsuna's various distress calls, stopped laughing, Yamamoto gave him a considering look.

"You really don't know anything about this game, huh?"

"That's what I've been saying this whole time," Tsuna muttered.

Yamamoto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Maa, most perverts who play eroge say the same thing, haha."

Tsuna twitched. _How the hell can he say something like that so casually?!_

"In the game, 'boss' means something very different from what you meant. . . or at least what I hope you did-" apparently Tsuna was still under suspicion of being a perverted freak "-basically, if you become the boss, it means you beat the game and we're all your sex slaves."

The cow child started giggling uncontrollably.

" _Yamamoto!_ " Tsuna hissed, belatedly covering the kid's ears. Then he realized that _Reborn wanted him to make this kid his sex slave_ and he leaped across the room, knocking into Yamamoto and getting still-steaming tea spilt all over him.

He groaned pitifully into the cushions he had landed on. Today was just not his day.

"I don't think that can be unlocked till you've conquered me, ahaha," said the cushions, and oh god his face was _buried in Yamamoto's lap._ He screamed and jumped back again, this time managing to smack into his dresser for the second time that day.

" _Ow -_ oh my god, Yamamoto-san, I'm so sorry," Tsuna said, tears of pain making his vision go blurry.

"M-maa, it's fine," Yamamoto said, his voice odd, but that might have been the ringing in his ears. His vision was still too blurry to check his face, anyway.

And now it had started to go dark. _Huh._ Even so, as he mercifully lost consciousness (ignoring the slightly panicked call of " _Tsuna!_ "), he knew that, whatever he did, he would _not_ do a goddamn thing to seduce these people. They deserved better. Or at least better than him.


	4. Chapter 4

_I'm incredibly sorry for the long wait. And the shitty quality. And absolutely everything else._

 _It has not been a good month for me._

 _Anyway, lemme know what KHR fic you want me to update next. I really can't decide myself, honestly. I'll set up a poll on my profile._

* * *

When Tsuna swam back into consciousness, he was lying on his side in the recovery position with someone yanking at his hair.

"Aaugh," he moaned, and the tugging paused.

"Neh, Dame-Tsuna," someone whined in his ear, "Get my candy out of your hair!"

"Whuh?" he said, and attempted to sit up. He got about halfway before there was another sharp yank that almost pulled him back down. Tsuna was tempted to let it. "Ow! Why are you pulling my hair?!"

"It's got my candy in it!" the voice complained, and renewed its pulling with a vengeance.

"Owchowchowch stoppit! Why'd you put your candy in my hair in the first place?!"

"Cause it's big like mine, Baka-Tsuna," the kid scoffed, as if it should be obvious. He circled around Tsuna's head, hand still fisted in his hair. "Yours is dumb, though. Things keep falling out unless they're sticky." Another fruitless yank.

 _How many head wounds am I going to receive today, anyway?!_ "If you stop, I'll give you candy that doesn't have my hair all over it!"

The cow child sniffed imperiously. "Lambo-san wants grape juice, too!"

"I don't think we have any — _ow,_ alright alright, I'll get some!"

Lambo studied Tsuna's face with suspicious green eyes, then came to a decision. "Okay. _If_ you give me candy and juice."

"Um, can you let go of my hair now?" Tsuna tried.

"Nah."

"But I'm gonna get you the godda — the gosh darn grape juice!"

"I can't, Dame-Tsuna. I'm stuck." Lambo gave another enthusiastic yank, to illustrate his point.

Tsuna whined despairingly into the carpet.

"Okay, Lambo," he said, gingerly sitting up, "Get on my shoulders."

Lambo complied eagerly, unafraid to use his convenient handhold in Tsuna's hair to pull himself up. Tsuna miserably anticipated a long bout with bald spots in his future.

Once he made sure that Lambo wouldn't fall off, and take half his hair with him, Tsuna managed to stagger to his feet. He was still _really_ dizzy, and those black spots in his vision probably were not a good thing, and Lambo was _heavy._ Sure, Tsuna wasn't about to win any awards in the physical strength department, but even he could lift a five-year-old. He was pretty sure that kids under three feet shouldn't weigh a hundred pounds.

"Lambo, how much stuff do you have in your hair, anyway?"

"Ehhhh… a bazooka, a bunch of grenades, a lunchbox, and lotsa candy. It doesn't get stuck in _mine_ ," he taunted.

"That's because my hair isn't as cool as yours," Tsuna said, trying to avoid any maneuvers that would result in any more hair loss. He felt Lambo puff up with pride.

"Uh huh! I bet that even if I _tried_ to get the candy stuck in my hair, it wouldn't!"

"Wait, Lambo, _no —_ "

Much screaming followed, as Lambo attempted to unstick his afro from the candy and Tsuna's own scalp, with little success. Because he was still on his shoulders, all of it went directly into his ears.

This was the scene that Yamamoto encountered when he returned a few moments later, carrying a first aid kit. He blinked once, and then started to shake.

 _Oh, god, what did I do? Is he gonna go crazy and kill me?_ Tsuna wondered anxiously. Lambo produced another impossibly loud, nails-on-a-chalkboard screech. _If he does, he better make it quick._

If he was lucky, they'd detach Lambo postmortem. If he was being realistic, they'd probably let him drag his corpse around by the hair until his scalp tore off. His mom would probably think it was cute. She'd take pictures. She wouldn't even realize he was dead until he started leaving behind bits of himself on the rug.

"Yamamoto-san…" he called pathetically, and then Yamamoto _lost it._ He fell down and started howling, managing to startle even Lambo into merciful silence.

"Oh my god, is he _dying_?"

"No, he's laughing," Lambo said, taking a momentary break from his impressive Nazgul impersonation, "I didn't know the baseball freak could do that."

And, after listening for a moment, Tsuna realized that he actually _was._ Not the hollow, threatening chuckles from before, but big, heaving belly laughs. Every time he caught a glimpse of the pair of them, heads glued together and gaping, he went off again.

Tsuna started to pout. His suffering wasn't _that_ funny. Lambo had gotten over his helpful mood and was now loudly berating the guy on the floor for mocking him, and none of this was helping his headache.

Yamamoto eventually managed to regain control of himself, slumping against the door with a huge grin and the occasional giggle. "Ah, you're pretty interesting, Tsuna. I think I won't mind staying here!"

"Can you please help me," Tsuna mumbled miserably.

"Ah, yeah," Yamamoto said, as if he had forgotten. He fished a pair of nail scissors from the first aid kit and directed him to sit on his bed, where he began hacking inexpertly at the lump of hair and sugar between their skulls.

Tsuna watched his face intently. Yamamoto's lips were twitching, and he still let out an occasional snort. He liked this version of him much better.

"I like your smile. It's nice," he said unthinkingly.

Yamamoto glanced down at him, eyes already beginning to close off. "I'm always smiling. It's nothing special."

Tsuna gulped. He knew he was digging himself into a hole, but he never fucked things up halfway; he always had to turn the situation _completely_ unsalvageable.

"I meant your real smile, not your serial killer one. I mean, you're really handsome, so none of your smiles are ugly, but you're a lot less scary when you're happy."

Yamamoto stopped, regarding him with narrowed eyes. Tsuna really should have been desensitized to glares, after the day he'd had, but his spine was as firm as jello on a good day and Yamamoto was over a head taller than him, and could probably crush him like a bug.

"Oh god I basically just called you fake please don't hurt me my skull can't take anymore punishment I'm sorry," Tsuna begged, frenzied. "But seriously I think I might have a concussion so maybe hit another part of my body, like my spleen, I don't need that I think, but I'm kind of bad at biology so —"

"Wait," Yamamoto said, and Tsuna's jaw snapped shut so quickly he practically bit through his tongue. His eyes watered, but he bravely swallowed down the yelp that threatened to escape. "You meant that as an insult?"

Tsuna's eyes bugged. "Nonononono, I thpoke withouth thinking, I'm _tho thorry_ —"

"Why are you talking like that?"

"I bith my thongue," he whimpered miserably, and suddenly Yamamoto's lips were twitching again.

"You're kind of an idiot," he mused, and Tsuna glared even as he turned the color of a tomato. "I don't really mind idiots."

"Neh," Lambo whined, after an awkward pause, "could you just cut my hair now?"

* * *

Once he was done, about a quarter of Tsuna's hair was missing. It looked like someone had attacked his head armed with nothing but a blunt pocket knife and their own rage. Lambo's afro, of course, had freakish regenerative abilities, and had healed itself, presumably by feeding on the soul that had long since fled Tsuna's body.

"Mah," Yamamoto said, surveying his handiwork, "that should do it."

"Thanks," Tsuna mumbled, disconsolate. Lambo had once again passed out on his bed. Lucky brat. _He_ wanted to be unconscious.

Wait, no, Reborn could read his mind. He'd probably take that as an invitation.

Yamamoto beamed. "Any time!"

"Oh, god, please no," he mumbled, and cringed instinctively at the glance Yamamoto sent his way. "Um… do you know where Reborn is?"

"Ah, he was downstairs. He looked pretty pissed off, ahaha!"

 _I'm dead._ "I should probably ask him where the rest of you guys want to stay."

Tsuna received another odd look. "Why do you care?"

"Uh," Tsuna spluttered, unsure how to respond, "'Cause it's my fault? I mean, it's because of me that you guys are here in the first place, and it's not like you have anywhere to go. I could pay for a hotel or something…" He thought of his current savings, all 500 yen, and quickly reconsidered. "Actually, I can't afford that, so maybe you could stay here? I don't know if we have room for everyone, but we could work something out, I think." It's not like his mom would care. She'd probably be thrilled that he was "making friends."

Yamamoto's stare brought him out of his musings. _Did I say something wrong? Is he gonna kill me?!_ "N-not that you have to stay here — !"

"It's fine," he said roughly, looking away. His face was flushed. Maybe he was catching a cold? "Thanks, Tsuna."

"N-no problem," Tsuna said, oddly flustered.

"Where's Narrator staying?"

"He's posing as my tutor, so he'll probably stay here, even after you guys find other places," Tsuna answered, gathering up the empty tea cups and heading for the door. He paused, looking back questioningly. "You coming, Yamamoto-san?"

"Ah, yeah," Yamamoto said, giving him another plastic smile. He followed Tsuna a little too closely.

 _Intimidation tactics,_ Tsuna thought grimly.

* * *

The second they arrived in the kitchen, Reborn was up and holding him in a painful headlock. "I _told_ you _not_ to be yourself, idiot!"

"Owowowow!" Tsuna yelped, trying desperately not to drop his mother's teacups, "And _I_ told _you_ that I'm not gonna seduce anyone!"

Yamamoto helpfully relieved him of his tray, narrowing his eyes. His grin seemed a lot toothier than before. "It's fine, Narrator, you can let him go."

Reborn stilled for an instant, and then gave Tsuna one last painful noogie before releasing him. "Go fix your hair, brat," he ordered. "It looks like shit."

Eager to flee, Tsuna complied, desperate to find his mother.

He found her outside after ten minutes of frantic searching, despite the fact that she'd been in plain view of the kitchen window the whole time.

"Ara, Tsu-kun! What did you do to your hair?" Nana asked, looking up from her herb garden.

 _How is that her biggest concern?!_

"Lambo put candy in it and Yamamoto cut it out," Tsuna eventually said.

"Yamamoto is one of Reborn's exchange students, right? That was very nice of him," Nana said, beaming. "I'm so glad you're already making friends!"

"E-exchange students?" he asked weakly.

"Un, from Italy. They'll be staying with us when they arrive! Isn't this great, Tsu-kun?"

Tsuna stared, lost for words. He had been wrong to expect his mom to do the sane thing and kick them all out. And she looked so excited to have company, almost like the last time his dad came home…

"Y-yeah," Tsuna said, giving her a weak grin. "I just came down to let you know that Lambo likes grape juice."

When he returned, Yamamoto's smile was like ice, and Reborn seemed mildly annoyed, which probably meant that pain was coming, and coming soon.

"Uh… it's getting dark, so why don't we go to bed?" Tsuna suggested lamely.

Yamamoto nodded, aggressively cheerful, never breaking his gaze from Reborn's. Reborn just smirked.

"All right, then," Tsuna said, and went to set up a futon for Yamamoto.

* * *

It was dark, Lambo, was snoring in his ear, and he was _incredibly_ uncomfortable.

"Um, Reborn-san?"

"What."

"... why are you sleeping in my bed?"

A sharp smack and a pained yelp.

"Go to sleep, Dame-Tsuna."

* * *

 _Reminder that Reborn is not an honest guy. His motivations will hopefully become clearer. He's been lying about_ something, _but it's up to you guys to figure out what~_


End file.
